Got A Case of Retrosexualitis?… Dating an Ex

February 16, 2010 at 8:25 am | Posted in Dating Tips, Relationships | 2 Comments
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

If you woke up the day after V-day, with a chocolate hangover and the guy by your side was your ex, you just might have a case of “retrosexualitis,” meaning that when the going gets tough in the dating scene, you get weak for your ex. If the Britney song “Oops I did it again” was looping through your pounding head there’s no doubt that you are a man recycler.

The primary causes for retrosexualitis are as follows:

Loneliness: The all-alone blues is a big motivator for a retrosexual to dial up an ex; she is looking to fill a void that is easily filled with a few compliments, a little sex and maybe even some breakfast in the morning.

Laziness: Hmmm, to get all gussied up and go man shopping for a new guy or Facebook message last year’s man who will take you unshowered and rockin’ sweats? Retrosexuals opt for the easy way into like, genuine or not.

Regret: Retrosexuals manipulate their old memories or second-guess their judgment of them, thinking maybe they didn’t give their ex a fair chance, and what if he was “the one?” All of a sudden things that were dealbreakers become justified.

Horniness: When a battery operated BFF isn’t cutting it anymore and she doesn’t want to dip into unchartered sexual territories, retrosexuals text an ex for guaranteed bedroom pleasure.

Retrosexualizing makes us sick because it almost never works. Count how many times a movie’s sequel was BETTER than the original. I’ll wait. Ok, I’m still waiting. Right… that’s what I thought. It never happens. On a rare occasion the sequel is as good, but who wants an as good se cond go around with a crappy ex?! Now I’m not saying that a great round 2 of a relationship is impossible because it does happen, but an effective second go doesn’t emerge out of a desperate relapse. The only way an old, unhealthy relationship can blossom into a new, healthy one is if both members examine why it fell apart and go into the new one with open eyes, committed to treating it differently in the sequel version. Typically retrosexualizing cases emerge from one of the above causes which all scream some measure of desperation – not exactly a solid foundation for a relationship. During the second cycle, all too often, we are depleted of good energy because we inject the relationship with renewed, but heavy weighted enthusiasm, hoping that this time things will be different, that he will be different, but mostly we wind up disappointed. And worse our energy tanks aren’t filled with the surprise and delight that comes with new like and love, new discoveries, new learnings of self. After the initial trip down memory lane wears off, it just becomes a lot of the same ol’, same ol.

The cure for retrosexualitis is to ELIMINATE YOUR POISIONED PAST and FOCUS ON YOUR BRIGHT SHINING FUTURE. Here’s your prescription:

Detach by deteching him. Minimize opportunity to indulge temptation by erasing all traces of your ex’s contact info… phone, Facebook, IM, Twitter… delete, delete, delete!

Create an upcycle list. Instead of trying to recycling what is broken (your old relationship), write down all the things you loved and loathed about your ex. If you’ve erased all memories, tap into all your besties to whom you bitched to about said guy – they’ll be happy to help. Cross out the loath side and upcycle those things with things that you would rather have (i.e. replace average sex with great sex) in a relationship.

Shop your closet, literally: Put together a slew of fabulous new date outfit combinations. Play loud music and get re-energized to re-enter the dating playground. Invite a few girlfriends over that you assign to be your intervention team – the BFFs that won’t allow you to relationship rewind – to join in the fun.

Mandidate shop. Get off your lazy ass, go flirt your beautiful booty off in your hot new digs and fill up your plate with new mandidates! Look for guys who have the qualities on your revised list. Use the learnings from your ex to get to the next!

Live and love largely (with someone new),


p.s. “Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.” – George Bernard Shaw


This Valentine’s Day, Get A Heart On: 7 Reasons You Should Believe In Love Even If You’re Not In It

February 12, 2010 at 11:24 am | Posted in Dating Tips, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

This time of year a barrage of pre-packaged, hallmark love wrapped in pink and red cuteness bombards us from every which way, forcing us to stare love in the face. From stuffed bears and singing cards to heart-shaped diamond pendants and 5-course dinner specials ending with a kissing swan soufflé, it can all make you want to bitch slap Cupid in the face if you aren’t coupled up at the moment. But just because you are not IN love right now, doesn’t mean you can’t believe in it. Here, 7 reasons to see beyond the waxy artificial chocolate and vomit inducing PDA, and believe in real deal love this Valentine’s Day.

1. You already have love in your life! Reprogram the way you think about V-Day. Remember it is a celebration of L-O-V-E. Not just couple love but all kinds of love. Concentrate on how lucky in love you already are and take a moment to appreciate the people you love and that love you right now.

2. Believing in love makes u more lovable. No man wants to be with a woman who doesn’t have her heart open to the idea of falling in love. If you turn your back on love, love will turn its back on you. Similarly if you greet love with open arms, it will come to you freely and openly.

3. It is literally good for you to have love in your life. Having love in our lives increases the levels of dopamine in our brains, which causes positive effects in all areas of our lives.

4. The alternative sucks. Are you seriously going to sit in your house on Cupid’s Day with a face mask in your jammies eating a gallon of ice cream moping to yourself about how unlucky you are in love, or worse yet commiserate with the lonely at an Anti-Valentine’s Day party? It takes a lot more energy to be miserable than it does to be optimistic.

5. If you aren’t a believer, you are a big buzzkill to those around you. Bitching about how much you hate V-Day, how commercial it is, how anyone who celebrates it should be shot, emits bad energy into the universe. Be afraid because Cupid IS watching. He’s got a bag full of arrows ready to shoot… and do you really think he is going to waste an arrow on a grinch like you? I think not.

6. If you give up on love, you decrease your chances of finding it. Life is short and hanging up a closed for business sign, even for a day, minimizes your chances of finding someone worth cashing in on.

7. Deep down inside you know you already do believe. Come on, admit, you can think of at least one couple that is head over heels in love… one couple that you admire for their undying devotion… one couple that you think, ‘that is worth holding out for’… proof that you are already at your core, a believer.

So instead of looking at the 14th as doomsday, put on your hottest red thong, go treat yourself to a box of chocolate and get inspired by Valentine’s Day! Absorb the love that is all around and just think, soon you could be one half of a couple dancing to Cupid’s cheesy beat.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Live and love largely,

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