Tags: flirting, hooking up, simone grant, tips and tricks
Simone Grant is writer from NYC. She blogs daily at Sex, Lies, & Dating in the City.
So, I was out drinking with some friends. One of them was a straight guy friend who is completely clueless about women and dating, which I think is kind of charming, in a weird way. But I’m strange.
I digress, we were just hanging out. I wasn’t playing wingwoman or anything like that. An hour or so into the evening I made mention of the fact that a (cute) woman sitting not too far from us at the bar was looking to hook up and that if he was interested, she’d totally go home with him. YES, I said that. C’mon, there’s nothing wrong with a couple of grown-ups hooking up.
He was a) not interested – which is SO another story. b) confused as to why I woud say that this woman was looking to hook up.
And so I had to explain to him that there were certain signs that I could read, and that he should probably learn to read. If he wanted to. I think it’s fine if some people are just too shy to talk to strangers in that context. I also think it’s kind of slily that they don’t work to get over that but whatever. I’m a big fan of online dating and one of the great things about online dating is that it’s perfect for people who are shy like that (and, indeed, my friend met his last couple of gfs online).
Speaking of those signs, I figured I’d do you guys a favor and spell some of them out for you. Let me be clear here, these are not universal. Just because a woman does one or some of these things does not mean that she definitely wants to hook up with someone. Or more importantly, just because a woman does one or more of these things, doesn’t mean she wants to hook up withYOU. So please proceed with caution and manners.
7 Signs that Say a Woman IS Looking to Hook Up
- She is out in a group of 3 or 4 women and at least one of them is showing lots of cleavage and/or plenty of leg (women don’t dress that way for each other).
- She fusses with her hair in the bar mirror.
- She frequently reapplies lipgloss or lipstick.
- She’s playing with an empty or nearly empty glass. Maybe she’s playing with her straw. Or maybe circling the rim of her wineglass with her finger. Whatever it is, she’s waiting, hoping that someone will buy her next drink.
- She makes frequents trips to the bathroom, alone (which requires her to walk past a group of men).
- One of her friends purse bumps you (a woman will frequently bump her purse into a man, not-so-subtly, or elbow him as she walks slowly by to start a conversation). In my experience, the purse bumper is not usually the woman who is interested in hooking up. Rather, she’s breaking the ice for a friend of hers.
- She is coming up to the bar, alone, to order drinks (each time angling her way in next to a guy, maybe you), thereby ignoring table service.
Tags: body language, dating research, Dating Statistics, flirting, missed signals, single not desperate, what men think
The scene: Crunch Fitness, San Francisco. Panting Guy finishes his workout on a prime window treadmill –the one where the headphone jacks still work– sweat pouring way more profusely from his face than a 20 minute workout should produce. Anxious Cardio Girl approaches, “No, I got it,” she says smiling, and wipes away all traces of his biological material from the machine before he makes his half-assed attempt at cleaning.
He thinks, she totally wants me, and continues to track her every move at the gym
She thinks, Why is this guy staring at me? Make him stop!
But it’s no one’s fault — people often misinterpret friendliness for flirting, although comparatively speaking, the male brain does it more often.
Researchers tested 280 Indiana University male and female undergraduate students’ ability to pick up on social signals. They asked the students to categorizes pictures of women as friendly, sexually interested, sad or rejecting. Although you’d think men would be experts on female body language, on average men mistakenly identified 12 percent of the ‘friendly’ women as ‘sexually interested,’ while women misinterpreted only 8.7 percent of the photos.
But men fared even worse when they were shown pictures of women flirting, and incorrectly identified 37.8 percent of them as being friendly. Women fared only slightly better by mistaking only 31.9 percent of the flirting guys as friendly.
The reason? Call it body language illiteracy.
Previously, scientists often reasoned that young men tend to “over-sexualize their social environment,” but this study’s findings suggest that women are better at interpreting facial expressions and body language than their male counterparts.
For women, this could explain a lot of failed attempts, according to an article in the Daily Mail:
The researchers also found that women overestimate men’s ability to pick up on sexual signals. They argue that many females wrongly believe that the men are well aware of their attempts to woo, but are just not interested in responding.
“Failure to pursue could be an indicator of misperception but could easily be explained by noninterest the scientists write in the journal Psychological Science.
However, when intentions are on the other side of the spectrum and men think a woman’s friendliness is a come on, they’re likely to laugh about it with their friends:
In contrast, women are very aware that males get the wrong end of the stick when they are simply being friendly.
This is because, the researchers argue, men who misconstrue a friendly gesture as a come-on are more likely to follow through with inappropriate behaviour.
Such embarrassing encounters will lodge more keenly in a woman’s memory, and she will also be more likely to discuss it with her friends.
Ouch. So you’re damned if you do, but you could be missing out on something fun if you don’t.