Dating is Elementary: The ABCs of Dating

April 9, 2010 at 11:30 am | Posted in Dating Tips | Leave a comment
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Tristan Coopersmith is a love stylist, helping women architect their ideal love lives. She is also the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

To become an ace student of dating, it is all about putting what you learn into action. Burying yourself in textbooks and lessons can only take you so far so here is a cliff notes, crash course in dating designed to give you insta-success this weekend out in the dating playground. Don’t worry about failing – there is no such thing – it is all about risking error to learn from the trial. So study your ABCs and have fun in the field! I look forward to hearing about what you learn!

Continue Reading Dating is Elementary: The ABCs of Dating…


OMG… Did She Just Say That?!?!

March 31, 2010 at 8:46 am | Posted in Dating Tips | Leave a comment
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During my years as a New York subway rider I learned the art of eavesdropping. I found that to pass commuter time I could glean amazing insights from swiftly listening in on other people’s conversations. The things I picked up ranged from hilarious to absurd to enlightening to downright disgusting and everything in between. Since having moved to LA my easy eavesdropping opportunities have diminished drastically but lately my ears have perked up to some sentiments too juicy not to share… and guess what, it isn’t the guys who are dishing ittongue biters – it’s the ladies. So, here from my ears to your screen, a few things I’ve heard lately definitely not worth repeating:

WHAT SHE SAID: “I’m on the rag – you have no shot.” – a woman to a guy who was checking her out (at Target)

WHAT HE THOUGHT: She’s a crass, pretentious bitch who probably really needs to get laid

WHAT SHE SAID: “We can spend the evening fighting over me or you can each buy me a glass of wine.” – a woman talking to two older men (at a wine bar)

WHAT THEY THOUGHT: She’s a gold digger or potential threesome

Continue Reading OMG… Did She Just Say That?!?!…

Dating Homeruns

March 10, 2010 at 11:47 am | Posted in Dating Tips, Relationships, Uncategorized | 2 Comments
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

Lately I’ve been obsessing over relationship status changes on Facebook. The complexity that this public display brings about has been written about many times over – that’s not what has me intrigued. What has me intrigued is the way that friends respond to relationship status updates. My research (it should be noted that it is informal and therefore statistically insignificant) shows that generally speaking guys get virtually hi-5’d and given invites to strip clubs when their status moves from “in a relationship” to “single” whereas girls get a virtual pity party and offers of consolation (i.e. “I’m so sorry sweetie. He was no good for you anyway”) when their status does the same. On the flipside, when girls move in the opposite direction from “single” to “in a relationship”, they get congratulated, however guys typically receive no comment or something sarcastic (i.e. “Another one bites the dust).

So this all has me thinking, why is being “in a relationship” this giant homerun for women? What makes it a symbol of achievement worthy of congratulations? A box that when unchecked makes us need a pity party? And what if we started making other boxes the success metric? Might we feel uplifted more of the time?

I remember when I played softball as a kid. I wasn’t the knock-it-out-of-the-park hitter, so since there was little to no chance that I was going to get a homerun despite my thinking that was the only way I could be great, my dad set up smaller goals for me. Goals like just getting a hit, avoiding a strike out, learning to judge a walk vs. a hit ball, catching the ball when I was in the outfield, throwing it in to the right plate and so on. Instead of fixating on racking up homeruns, I began concentrating on developing other skills. And after a few seasons, I actually became a pretty good all around player.

Accordingly, try thinking of your dating skills as opportunities for victories; consider those moments homeruns, not just an end of the road relationship. Celebrate them! Celebrate when you flirt like a pro! Celebrate when you have the courage to call a new mandidate! Celebrate when you let go of a guy who you know isn’t worth your time! Celebrate a great 1st date, 2nd date! Celebrate handling rejection with a laugh, a new outfit, a great orgasm! By celebrating your micro achievements you’ll increase your playing stamina, try harder and ultimately improve your game.

Live and love largely,


City Bus Lessons in Love

March 8, 2010 at 1:25 pm | Posted in Dating Tips, Relationships | Leave a comment
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

Late last week, for the first time since living in LA, instead of dealing with the aggravation of 405 traffic, I opted for the city bus. Despite some bumpy planning which included being disconnected twice from the routing operator, my journey was not only smooth, it was spiked with adventure, delight and surprise. It included a short walk through my neighborhood upon which I was greeted with several kind hellos from neighbors I never knew I had. At the first of two bus stops I encountered brief waits at, I met a guy named Jeremy. TDH (tall, dark and handsome) Jeremy takes the bus every weekday morning to his law firm where he is a junior counselor specializing in children’s defense. On the weekends Jeremy buses it to the beach to indulge in his fave pastimes – beach volleyball and paddleboarding. He does have a car – a restored ’67 mustang. After getting the down-low on Jer, I hop my bus (he hops another) and take a window seat. The bus travels an unexpected way – a way I’ve never been, in all this time. I discover a charming little tea shop, a rock church, a direct bike path to the beach and not one, but two thrift stores.

Soon enough we are at my transfer point. While waiting for the next bus, I meet Stefanie who picks up on my lost vibes and helps confirm I am in the right place. Our casual banter quickly turns into her spilling her heart out about her last/lost love (I have that effect) and we chat about it all the way until I deboard, eight stops later, with Stefanie’s heart a little more healed and lifted when we met, about ten miles prior. I get off the bus, just feet away from my destination, only about fifteen minutes later than I would have, had I driven, wondering to myself if Stefanie and Jeremy would make a cute couple.

My trip reminded me that in dating, the less you try to control the journey, the better off you are. Although my bus took a less direct path than I would have if I had chosen to drive to myself, I saw streets and shops, parks and cafes that I never had before. Since I didn’t have to focus my attention on the road, the radio or really anything at all, not to mention the bus traveled at a pace slower than I drive, I saw LA up-close and personal and noticed details that had passed me by for four years. Waiting at the stops made me less isolative than in my car life and the result was meeting two interesting people, one of which I was able to help.

Here’s the thing, no two love stories are ever alike and since it is impossible to map yours out anyway, you might as well relinquish the control a little bit and become open to deviation. So this week, get out there and explore. Expose yourself to new places and new people. Start small by simply altering just one thing about your routine and the rest will follow. Re-route, detour, take a pause where you might not have otherwise, go a little slower… use your peripheral vision… be open to new possibilities…even if you get lost, that’s another place you’ll find, and who knows who might be waiting at that stop.

Live and love largely,

Decoding Dealbreakers

March 3, 2010 at 11:22 am | Posted in Dating Tips | Leave a comment
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

He’s cheap, he checks out other women, his breath smells, he won’t go down on me, he takes longer than me to get ready, he answered the phone during a movie, he lied to the host and said he was a doctor to get a table, he’s too negative, he’s too positive…. And the list goes on and on and ON! No wonder singledom is lasting well into our 30s – our dealbreaker list is longer than a line to get into a Justin Bieber concert. Now, don’t get me wrong, as you know by now, I am a champion of choosy, but in the MD lab, I’ve been wondering if perhaps we are decoding our relationship red lights improperly. Could these dealbreakers be more than meets the eye?

All this talk lately about settling raises the age ol’ question among women, “Am I too picky?” Your mom will say, “Yes” before you finish asking the question but she as we know has an agenda. Your BFF who last saw you with a trade down will say, “No” because she is your #1 fan and think you can do better. Well here’s what I think. When it comes to creating your dealbreaker list, you have to look beyond the surface to see what the non-negotiable is representing because it is deeper than it appears.

For example, my friend Shara 86’d a guy because his emails were full of typos. Upon further examination, what she didn’t like about him was that he wasn’t conscientious. Eliminating a mandidate because he has shitty grammar is being impulsively and unreasonably picky, but eliminating one because he isn’t conscientious when that is an attribute you value, that is being insightfully and reasonably picky. Christina ended it with her guy because he was a freelancer. Turns out freelancing represented instability to her and she needs someone with a secure paycheck, insurance, 401K, etc. Danielle peaced out Jeremiah for always interrupting her but it wasn’t because it was so rude (that’s fixable), it was because the interrupting was an indicator of how self-interested Jeremiah was in what he had to say, never in what she had to say.

So when you are looking to red light a prospect, don’t ask, “Am I being too picky?” ask, “Am I being insightfully and reasonably picky?” Dig a little deeper to dissect the real reason you are ctrl-alt-deleting him, otherwise it is a wasted experience whereby you haven’t learned anything significant about your wants/needs, not to mention once you uncover something you’ll have a much stronger defense next time you go up against your griping mother.

Live and love largely,

Building Your Ooey Gooey Sundae of A Life

February 24, 2010 at 11:32 am | Posted in Dating Tips, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

Wanted: Unstable girl with baggage heavier than a house, a lackluster life with highlights that include watching reruns of America’s Got Talent, a promising career in glue stick sales, a cat collection, 11 online profiles and only goes out on Sundays.

Not exactly a highly sought after profile! If the script was flipped, would you want that kind of guy? I don’t think so.

To get a great man, you need to get a great life. Simply, and as sales pitchy as it sounds, you need to have something to offer. If your life sucks and thus you are offering up a platter full of problems or a dish of doldrums, why would any guy want to jump on board? On the contrary, if your life rocks, then they come running to be a part of it.

Think of your life as a sundae and build it to be as ooey gooey, rich and delicious as possible.

Start with a great dish. A GREAT dish. Not some average paper cup or wimpy cone that sogs out after a few minutes. Your sundae’s dish is your life’s foundation. It needs to be strong. It needs to withstand whatever gets thrown into. Take your time to make your dish beautiful inside and out and know that over the course of time, particularly through moments of growth, it will need love, attention and repair.

Now fill your dish with the BEST, MOST POSITIVE people – friends and family that fill your tank with joy and inspiration – people that when you leave them, you feel more fulfilled than you did when you arrived. Fill your dish with a STIMULATING job – a job that excites you and makes you want to do your best because it makes you feel good inside. Evaluate and re-evaluate the ice cream in your dish to ensure that it is as sweet and rich as can be.

Sprinkle your sundae with the extras – things that simply make you smile on the inside. This could be a sewing class, walks on the beach, maintaining a personal blog, volunteering, going to church, kickboxing, thrifting – anything that makes your life a little more flavorful. Try new additions from time to time to re-energize your sundae, and share these little extras with the people that you love, too.

Finally, the best part – topping off your sundae with a bright red cherry. Once you’ve built an ooey gooey delight complete with a strong foundation that can support all of the goodness you’ve put inside, attracting the sweet red cherry is easy because you have such an inviting offering. What guy wouldn’t want to have a taste of such an awesomely delectable life?! Plus when you are out there building your sundae you are increasing your chances of meeting someone great because you are living life as opposed to being cooped up in your apartment making out with a copy of UsWeekly and a box of takeout. Remember though, don’t settle for a fruitcake of a man. You can have and deserve to have someone with an equally ooey gooey sundae of a life that will allow you to delight in each other’s decadence, making your life only that much sweeter.

Live and love largely,

Sin City Sans You… 8 reasons you should let you man go to Vegas without you

February 6, 2010 at 9:36 am | Posted in Dating Tips, Relationships, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

I just landed in Vegas to join what I imagine will be zillions of guys who have managed to score get-outta-jail-free cards to enjoy the Super Bowl this weekend in Sin City. And I started thinking about all of the panicky women they have left behind – the girlfriends and fiancées who are begged for them not to go, set ultimatums if they did go, faked an encouraging send off so they looked cool while meanwhile they had an inner anxiety attack or tried to pack themselves in their man’s suitcases.

I get it. Vegas isn’t called Sin City for nothing. It is a town built on debauchery. In every inch around every corner, temptation lurks. It is a city designed to fulfill fantasies and preys on free men looking to have unadulterated fun. There is no denying it. So I understand why women get insecure about sending their man there for the weekend but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, in fact, you must! And here’s why:

1. Guys need time in the treehouse. Unlike women who can keep up with each other via regular phone, email, Facebook or coffee chats, guys need irregular but concentrated bursts of face time – raw male bonding… just like they did when they were kids in their clubhouses. Time to tell stories, bitch about their girlfriends, let it all hang out (literally), do the noogie thing (seriously) – just be guys.

2. Time apart is evidence of a secure relationship. If you are worried about your guy cheating on you with Ginger Snap the stripper, think about he has done to earn this worry before you jump to this conclusion. Has he cheated on you before? If not, why would he now? When you put your trust in a good guy, the last thing he wants to do is break that trust. A guy can be like a rebellious teenager – accuse him of doing something he hasn’t done and he is more likely to go off and do it.

3. Vegas is so much more of a fantasy than a reality. Truth be told most of what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because not much of it is even worth talking about. Guys have grand ideas of what will go on but when they get there most of them just drink, gamble, eat too much at the buffets, maybe look at some strippers (which is seriously harmless) and throw up a few times.

4. You wouldn’t freak out over NYC, Atlanta, New Orleans or any other big city. Here’s the thing – a guy who wants to get in trouble can find trouble wherever he wants it. You wouldn’t tell your man not to go on a business trip to Boston or to a college reunion with his frat boys to Chicago. Truthfully, if he wants to commit sin, he can do it in the city you live in. Either you trust him, or you don’t. If you don’t, you shouldn’t be with him at all.

5. Saran Wrap girlfriends don’t last long. Chances are your man’s last girlfriend gave him a hard time about going away with the boys so if you don’t, you will prove you are not clingy… and haven’t you always wanted to be that independent, non-possesive girl? Now is your chance. Being that breath of fresh confidence and security will heighten your appeal in his heart plus you will feel better about yourself.

6. Karma is a mutha. At some point, you are going to want to go to Vegas with your girlfriends. Enough said.

7. He will rock you in your bedroom when he gets back! Once he shakes off his sleep deprivation, chances are his libido will be on fire since he hasn’t gotten any for a few days but has been surrounded by it, thus you get to be the beneficiary of all that stored loving. Take this opportunity to show him that Ginger Snap ain’t got nothing on you.

8. Ice cream for dinner. With your man gone for the weekend, you get a weekend all to yourself. Flashback to your single girl days where you had ice cream for dinner, did face masks with your girls, took 3 yoga classes in a day – whatever you want to do, do it – you have no man to consider on this weekend!

The bottom line is that although your man is likely to return to you an unshowered hungover (possibly still slightly drunk) mess after a weekend away with the boys in Sin City, he’s coming back refreshed and ready to re-engage with you, someone who sent him off and welcomed him home confidently, happily and securely, evidence to him, that when it comes to you, he really hit the jackpot!


Don’t Underestimate The Dating Potential Thru Friendships

January 14, 2010 at 12:00 pm | Posted in Dating Tips | Leave a comment
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Single City Guy is a dating blogger who lives in New York City (Brooklyn to be exact.) He shares his dating stories, experiences, advice and the male prospective of dating thru his blog at Single City Guy will frequently post his dating stories (the good, the bad and the ugly) on the Thread Blog. This story was originally posted here.

Image Source: Fredrik Wass on Flickr

This weekend after Christmas was very interesting. A friend of mine needed a place to stay, and I was on his short list. He was spending time in New York City for the next two weeks and some of his plans fell thru. He had one of two options, call me or become a bum on the street. I was able to accommodate for the space and allow him to hang out in a free room (no couch sleeping during the winter, that’s just rude)! Sunday, we went to a brunch where we were meeting a few of his friends. All of these individuals were in the tech and social media arena, and two of them were hot women.

It was odd, being in the arena for years I usually end up meeting pretentious beautiful women, or geeks who scare women away. This group wasn’t any of the above, and were a very cool and interesting bunch. I also realized, this is the group I should be hanging around more often, and where I could have a better chance of finding a potential date who met my interests. I wouldn’t have been exposed to them if it wasn’t for my friend. Continue Reading Don’t Underestimate The Dating Potential Thru Friendships…

How to rock at dating in 2010

January 6, 2010 at 8:00 am | Posted in Dating Tips | 2 Comments
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Consider it this way: you have 11 more months until the 2010 holiday season to find someone new. But if you keep doing the same things you did last year to meet a guy or girl, you’ll end up at the same place: alone at the kiddie table at Thanksgiving, taking your best friend to the company holiday party, and no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve.

Before you start signing up for every dating service offering a coupon or promotion to avoid the fate of the single guy, start with a few personal improvements that will make dating more effective this year.

Improve your attitude. I’ll spare you the hokey spiel on the power of positive thinking, but imagine that you had a friend or were set up with someone who constantly complained about their inability to find a good guy or girl, or bitched about all their bad dates, or trashed every person to whom you wanted to introduce. I recently was speaking with a girl who got out of a six month relationship and wanted to meet someone new. She didn’t want to try online dating, she didn’t want to date anyone under 6’4“ (she was 5’4”) and she didn’t want to join any technology centric groups where there were sure to be guys (kill me now, was her response). But she did want me to introduce her to guys I knew. But the way I felt about it was, why should I help you when you don’t want to help yourself? If you’re going to poo poo all my suggestions and probably all my friends, you’re on your own. But I have another friend who basically has only two requirements for a set up: be single, and be around 30 years old. She’s a matchmaker’s dream. Cute, friendly, outgoing, and willing to try anything. If you appear more open minded and positive about new experiences–even if they don’t work out–people will be more willing to help you out. And that girl who only dated tall guys? I think she’s still single.

Let go of bad relationships. You’ve stopped dating them, now you need to stop thinking about them, talking to them, talking about them, and basically letting them anywhere near your social life. I’m not saying that you have to banish your ex from your life all together, but you must give yourself the space to meet someone new. Because as long as you have the security blanket of walking down memory lane with your old squeeze or are spending time with your ex when you could be out looking for Next, you are going to be complacent at dating and missing opportunities and signals for meeting someone new. Maybe you’re holding on to your past love life because you want to avoid giving your full attention and self–and all the responsibilities that comes with it–to someone new. But you’re only shooting yourself in the foot, because if your ex is fulfilling your emotional needs, you won’t make room for someone else to come into your life because that seat is already taken.

Accept invitations. Do you have friends who are picky invitation acceptors? Because I do, and those girls are single. If you’re in the habit of cherry picking the events that you want to attend, you’re missing out on some opportunities to meet new people, and that same closed-minded attitude could be holding you back from opening yourself up to new experiences and letting people in.

Work your network. Let your friends know that you’re serious about meeting someone new and are open to being set up on dates. It’s true, “blind date” are two of the scariest words ever strung together, but for many people it’s a chance try new restaurants, drag someone to that movie they’ve been wanting to see, expand their social network, and maybe, possibly, hopefully find someone great. You may not know anyone who’s single, but your friends do. Work Facebook and to date from your friends’ social networks.

Pay it forward. If you’re single, then you definitely have time for volunteering or charity work. Doing good in the world also provides personal benefits — it not only improves mental health and lowers the risk of health disease, but it’s a great place to meet like-minded people.

Esquire’s rules to live and date by

December 9, 2009 at 11:57 am | Posted in Dating Tips, Social Media | Leave a comment
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We already know you should never date a man who lives with his mom or a woman who has more than three cats, but beyond that there’s a lot of grey area in the dating-sphere.

Esquire has been filling that void by rolling out a few tips on twitter to keep in mind when meeting someone at the next holiday party:

Rule No. 51: #nevertrust anyone who, within five minutes of meeting you, tells you where he went to college. #rules

Rule No. 110: #nevertrust anyone with a home- or cell-phone number that ends in 00. #rules

Rule No. 187: #nevertrust a man named after a body part. Rule No. 188: Especially if that body part is a pinkie.

Rule No. 601: #nevertrust a woman who refers to her breasts as separate entities (e.g. “the girls”). #rules

Rule No. 254: #nevertrust a man who uses nautical metaphors. #rules

And from personal experience:

Rule No. 721: #nevertrust a guy who calls himself a serial entrepreneur

Rule No. 722: #nevertrust a guy who says he gets comped in Las Vegas

Rule No. 723: #nevertrust a guy who offers to buy you a shot of anything, especially Jager

Rule No. 724: #nevertrust a woman who uses a bikini shot in their Facebook profile picture

Rule No. 725: #nevertrust a woman who swears by the rules

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