I Like Feelings

February 8, 2010 at 11:37 am | Posted in Dating Stories, Dating Tips | Leave a comment
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Simone Grant is writer from NYC.  She blogs daily at Sex, Lies, & Dating in the City.

In honor of Valentines Day I decided to pull up and re-polish an old post about my last big breakup.  What can I say, I have a strange sense of humor.

I didn’t deal well with my last breakup. I haven’t had a real relationship in a long while.  Long before I started my blog. And when that ended, I didn’t deal with it well.

I’m not going to point fingers or complain about what a total jackass the ex was/is.  That’s not the point of this post.  I just want to state, on the record, that I was a total mess for months.  I actually left the country for a couple of months to try to get away from “it all”.  Whatever that means.

I cried a lot.  A lot.  And every time I thought I was completely cool with it and that I’d never shed another tear over him, something would happen and I would start all over again.  Sometimes it would be him contacting me.  Sometimes it would be something I read or heard that made me think of him.  It doesn’t matter why.  The point is, I had those feelings all bottled up and it took a long while for them all to come out and and get resolved.

I’m so over it now.  In a way that makes me feel strong and confident.  Like I’m not afraid to let myself care about someone new.

So why am I mentioning this?  Well, there happen to be some really cool women out there in the blogosphere who are dealing with the aftermaths of breakups right now.  And the general vibe out there seems to be that crying is something a girl shouldn’t do.  That we should be able to get over these feelings quickly.  Or maybe not have them at all?  I don’t know.

I’m not judging anyone else or telling anyone what to do.  Just telling my story.  I was a freaking wreck.  Like you can’t even imagine.  I thought that he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with (or at least a good many years).  And then he wasn’t.   And that change in my thinking made me unbearably sad.   For a long time.  And so I cried.

I’m one of those pro feeling people.  I’d rather live richly, with lots of highs and lows, than live moderately without the peaks and valleys.  I don’t love drama.  But I do love passion and excitement and well, I think you get the point.  I cared about the ex a lot.  I’d invested a lot in the vision I had of our future together.  Those were big feelings.  It just seems natural to me that it was followed by great sadness.

Alright, I’ve babbled enough.  Note to self, stop blogging in the middle of the night.

7 Signs that Say a Woman IS Looking to Hook Up

January 27, 2010 at 8:00 am | Posted in Dating Stories, Dating Tips, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Simone Grant is writer from NYC.  She blogs daily at Sex, Lies, & Dating in the City.

So, I was out drinking with some friends.  One of them was a straight guy friend who is completely clueless about women and dating, which I think is kind of charming, in a weird way.  But I’m strange.

I digress, we were just hanging out.  I wasn’t playing wingwoman or anything like that. An hour or so into the evening I made mention of the fact that a (cute) woman sitting not too far from us at the bar was looking to hook up and that if he was interested, she’d totally go home with him.  YES, I said that.  C’mon, there’s nothing wrong with a couple of grown-ups hooking up.

He was a) not interested  – which is SO another story. b) confused as to why I woud say that this woman was looking to hook up.

And so I had to explain to him that there were certain signs that I could read, and that he should probably learn to read.  If he wanted to.  I think it’s fine if some people are just too shy to talk to strangers in that context.  I also think it’s kind of slily that they don’t work to get over that but whatever.  I’m a big fan of online dating and one of the great things about online dating is that it’s perfect for people who are shy like that (and, indeed, my friend met his last couple of gfs online).

Speaking of those signs, I figured I’d do you guys a favor and spell some of them out for you.  Let me be clear here, these are not universal.  Just because a woman does one or some of these things does not mean that she definitely wants to hook up with someone.  Or more importantly, just because a woman does one or more of these things, doesn’t mean she wants to hook up withYOU. So please proceed with caution and manners.

7 Signs that Say a Woman IS Looking to Hook Up

  1. She is out in a group of 3 or 4 women and at least one of them is showing lots of cleavage and/or plenty of leg (women don’t dress that way for each other).
  2. She fusses with her hair in the bar mirror.
  3. She frequently reapplies lipgloss or lipstick.
  4. She’s playing with an empty or nearly empty glass.  Maybe she’s playing with her straw.  Or maybe circling the rim of her wineglass with her finger.  Whatever it is, she’s waiting, hoping that someone will buy her next drink.
  5. She makes frequents trips to the bathroom, alone (which requires her to walk past a group of men).
  6. One of her friends purse bumps you (a woman will frequently bump her purse into a man, not-so-subtly, or elbow him as she walks slowly by to start a conversation).  In my experience, the purse bumper is not usually the woman who is interested in hooking up.  Rather, she’s breaking the ice for a friend of hers.
  7. She is coming up to the bar, alone, to order drinks (each time angling her way in next to a guy, maybe you), thereby ignoring table service.

Dating Games… to play or not to play?

January 19, 2010 at 11:35 am | Posted in Dating Stories, Dating Tips, Relationships | 2 Comments
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course- a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: http://www.menudatingonline.com For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

This past week I journeyed to New York and over a game of tic-tac-toe (on the chicest board I’ve ever seen compliments of The London hotel) and a few watermelon mojitos, one of my gal pals, Lucy, updated me on her mandidate menu. As she told me about her latest flavor, a guy named Josh, 28, a pastry chef from South Florida who she had a great first date with but hadn’t heard from in 2 days, probably because he was playing by the “wait 3 day rule,” I contemplated my next move on the board and what to say. I could give her the He’s Just Not that Into You diatribe. I could nod in agreement as to her assessment for his lack of communication. I could just ask more questions about him. I could tell her to just woman up and call him. But its me… and I couldn’t escape the blatant symbolism right before us… a game board whereby the pawns were ‘X’s and ‘O’s… the very symbols of love and affection.

So the age old question popped into my mind, to play the game or not to play the game?

I laid down an ‘O’ and thought, we are conditioned to play the game from the time we are young… Spin the Bottle, Mystery Date, every magazine we ever read… they all teach us to seduce boys with “the game” – which is really just plotted flirting and unsophisticated foreplay. This is what makes it ok and in some way, sort of necessary. But the thing about the game, is that it invigorates us when the ball is in our court and dis-empowers us as soon as the ball leaves our hands, often times leaving us questioning our last move. You’ve been there, re-reading your last text, overanalyzing choice words, the time it was sent, guessing where you may have gone wrong. That vacant period waiting for HIM. This is when the game sucks. When our willing partner becomes our challenging opponent and we realize we have no playbook for how this game will be won… oftentimes making us wish we hadn’t started playing in the first place.

We finish our game. No one wins. Lucy totally stuck on, “He’s going to call, isn’t he?” We play three more games. No one wins any of them. And it dawns on me that rarely does someone win at tic-tac-toe, similarly to the dating games we spend so much time strategizing. Another sip of delicious mojito and I ponder, why then, can it be so much fun to play them?!

So a few days later and mojito-brain free, I’m netting out on the whole game thing like this. A little game playing does the libido some good (we are actually energized by its excitement), they can seemingly “work” and also can help us not get prematurely attached (see pg 136 in book). But know this – that in all games, sometimes, someone loses, and that someone, sometimes might be you. Keep game-play in the fun, flirty zone, don’t play mind games with yourself (if you like him, you like him, if you don’t you don’t) and know that you are not always going to be in control of the ball.

Life is too short to create complex game-plays to bait a mandidate. If he is going to judge you for texting the next day, or being too available or not available enough, is he really the type of co-captain you want on your team anyway?

~xo, Tristan

Does Thread really work? Read Pedro’s success story…

January 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm | Posted in Dating Stories | Leave a comment
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I had been single for about 2 years, on an off relationships with people I had met on Match.com and other dating services. While I met some interesting people I always struggled to find a true connection with someone that shared not only the same interests but also values — and that special, unquantifiable chemistry.

I had tried before to find someone to date among my friends but being in my mid thirties nearly everyone is either married, in long term relationship, or i already knew them and was not interested. And I had my fair share of those dates whom people thought were “a good fit for me”.

When I first heard about Thread I was intrigued with the possibility of searching on my own among my friends’s friends. This way I could look incognito and also had a great way to explore on my own pace for potential candidates, and it was so much easier than just browsing my friends profiles on Facebook.

Shortly after I start using it i found Leanne and was intrigued by her picture (near Ayers rock in Australia). I learned more about her through our mutual friend and then got an introduction. Of course, being introduced by a friend is much easier than pinging someone one online dating site. I asked her what did she do for a living, where was she from, what education she had. We have now been dating for 3 months and i can confirm the old adage from my country: your friends’s friends are the best to date!

People Change

January 4, 2010 at 8:00 am | Posted in Dating Stories | Leave a comment
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Simone Grant is writer from NYC.  She blogs daily at Sex, Lies and Dating in the City.

People change, but not always the way we want them to.  I’m just going to throw that out there as a starting point.

The new year had me thinking of this story (first told on my blog a couple of months ago).  A long, long time ago I was a young college student.  Not a young, naive college student.  I don’t, actually, remember ever being naive.  But I was young.  And for a while I had this boyfriend who I’ll call D.  D was very, very cute.  And kinda not very bright.  But very, very cute.  He was a few years older than me and claimed to have graduated from college a couple of years earlier (not the same school I went to) but I never entirely believed him because, as I already mentioned, he was kinda not very bright.  I’d like to also mention that he was a really great guy, in a lot of ways.  He volunteered at a local nursing home and was good to his family (babysat for his sister’s kids, for example).  And the sex was great.

Anyway, we split up for a fairly mundane reason, but I never really regretted it.  I didn’t see us having a future.  Just lots of fun while it lasted.

Skip to a few years after I graduated when I get a call from my mom.  D had called her and told her that he never stopped thinking about me and really wanted to get in touch with me (which translated in my mind to, he just got out of a relationship and was dreaming of gfs past).  My mom didn’t give him my number, but she did take his for me.  And I was curious (read – not seeing anyone special) and so I called him.

He was still living in the same place, doing an even crappier job than the one he had when I was seeing him (at this point I was finishing up grad school), a few hours outside of NYC.  His brother, however, happened to live just around the corner from me.  So we made plans for him to spend the next weekend with his brother.  I agreed to have dinner with him on Friday night.  Nothing more.

A good friend of mine from college happened to work at a fairly swanky french restaurant.  And I knew that if I asked nicely he could comp us our dinners/drinks.  I barely ever went anywhere really nice, being a grad student, and I figured it would make the night extra-special.  BAD MOVE.  When it came time to order, D got all panicky(he was intimidated by the restaurant and the menu) and just ordered the same thing I did.  I can’t recall exactly what it was, other than it was seafood.  And it turns out that D despised seafood.  So he spent the dinner pushing his food around his plate like a child.  It seems that, while I had grown and developed some more sophisticated tastes, D was still living off of beer and wings (which I love, btw) and pizza.  Add to that that we had nothing to talk about anymore.  Absolutely nothing. I kept trying to think of things to say, but his answers were all either monosyllabic or ridiculous. My swanky dinner was a total disaster.

So you’d imagine that I gave him a hug goodnight and never saw him again.  No, don’t be silly.  I brought him back to my place and had really, really bad sex with him.

??

Not only didn’t we get along as people anymore, but the sex also went bad.  Whatever it was that made the sex amazing just a few years earlier was gone.  And what we were left with was awful.  Really, really awful.

I guess it just comes down to this – people change.  Not because we want them to.  And not in ways you’d expect.  But they do.  We all do.  A little bit everyday.  No one stays the same.  Not for long.  The bond that D and I had, it wasn’t that deep to begin with, and so we didn’t stand a chance.  We’d both changed too much, become too different.  So much so that even the flicker of chemistry we still shared wasn’t enough to give us one night of good sex.

Hot Topic: He’s got the digits — when should a guy call?

December 30, 2009 at 8:30 am | Posted in Dating Stories, Dating Tips | 2 Comments
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If you ask a question about dating on Vark, you never know who in your network is going to answer it, but for 460 people out there, it could get answered by me.

This being a slow news week, I got to chatting with Single City Guy about one of my recent questions from a 22-year old in Seattle:

I got a really cute girl’s number while out ballroom dancing friday night, and I don’t want to screw this up. Does it matter if I call or text her, and is waiting three days really important? Anything else I should do to make sure this works out well?

My answer:

If you have something important to say, don’t send it in a text message. Ever. That applies to work, btw. There’s too much opportunity for misinterpretatio, for it to be perceived in the wrong way, or to get lost in the shuffle. Texting is great for sending one way information that doesn’t require a response, but it sucks when it comes to asking a girl out. It sends a message that you don’t take her serious or are too chicken to call. The whole waiting two or three days to call is so 90s and douchey. And if you’re really interested, why would you risk the chance of her meeting someone new while you’re trying to cool your heels to appear not desperate? You should call and ask to see her again. Pronto.

I thought it was pretty slick advice, but that’s just me. Although I didn’t get to share the question and answer with Single City Guy, he had his own opinion on the subject. Here’s the text –typos and all — from our iChat debate:

Found on Craigslist: Have you been naughty or nice?

December 23, 2009 at 8:45 am | Posted in Dating Stories, News, Online Dating | Leave a comment
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Proving 1) nothing is sacred anymore and 2) Christmas is getting way too commercialized if even horny douches are capitalizing on xmas to get laid, and 3) Santa is sexy, writers at Washington CityPaper created a compilation of the 10 worst/best Christmas-themed casual encounter messages found on D.C.’s Craigslist.

Brought to you via Washington CityPaper: (too good not to reblog in it’s original form)

TEN:

CL

Clarification: not actually a sex ad:

I am just looking for a woman that would be willing to give me a Christmas gift I have always wanted….her to kick me. 🙂 I’m not looking for anything sexual at all, so you do not have to worry about that. Just would like to find a woman that would like to have a guy she can kick whenever she likes. Hope to hear from you. Merry Christmas!

NINE:

CL2
For the girl with Santa issues:

It is that time of year again when santa gets VERY stressed out and he is looking for a good girl who would like to let him pay her a special visit (or a bad one who wants to get on the good list) and help santa out. Looking to come by and spread some christmas cheer. Santa has a wonderful candy can for you to suck on. And from there stuff your stocking and give you a very merry christmas! Send santa a letter and tell him what kind of girl you have been this year and what you want 🙂

EIGHT:

CL8

I have found the woman for you, good sir! It feels so good to play holiday matchmaker:

I’m looking for a man with a santa suit to satisfy a naughty Christmas fantasy.

You should be clean, drug and disease free, 30 – 45 years old.

please respond with a photo of your face and put the word “Santa” in the subject line.

SEVEN:

CL3

What woman could resist becoming this dude’s ornament?

I NEED SOMEONE TO DECORATE MY CHRISTMAS TREE AND RAISE MY SPIRITS BEFORE THE HOLIDAY! I FIND BEAUTY IN MANY SHAPES, SIZES, ETC, SO PLEASE DON’T BE SHY. PLEASE RESPOND WITH HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO SPRUCEN UP MY TREE, PLEASE SEND A PIC. FYI I’M HOPING FOR COAL THIS YEAR SO THE NAUGHTIER THE BETTER;-)

I, too, am interested in how women intend to “sprucen up my tree” this holiday season. Do you think that’s German?

SIX:

CL9

Extra points for making a holiday pun out of your condom use:

Yes, I should put more into this ad, but the title is what I’m looking for. I get off on giving women something that their husbands or boyfriends SHOULD be able to, but can’t. While he’s plowing the snow, we can either stay inside and keep each other warm, or you can sneak out to do some “last minute Christmas shopping”, either way, I’ll give you a nice, big, wrapped present.

Read the original article and the rest of the top five at Washington CityPaper. If you find salacious Santa sex ads in your Craigslist hometown, add them to the comments.

Source: Washington CityPaper

Found on Twitter: dating fails this week

December 18, 2009 at 1:03 pm | Posted in Dating Stories, Social Media | 1 Comment
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What’s a bad date without a little Twitter #FAIL?

Here are a few of this week’s highlights from the Twitterverse on bad dates, online dating, and other things that can go wrong in your love life. Thanks for sharing, guys!

From @eatingjourney: @jennifersutter I have NEVER gotten past a second date. Me and dating = epic fail. Maybe I need new nail polish and a cop. 🙂

From @MADSONMONEYD: RT @yoly84: Went to speed dating and ex showed up. #fail>>lol

From @Hussy_trash: I’ve been talking on a dating service to someone Ive known for almost 5 years. #FAIL #debdates

From @Vd0tR0Xz: I hate when u go out on one date wit a dude… And he feels it’s ok to tell every other second that he basically wants to beat #FAIL

From @Emily_apathetic: @joshthomas87 if you werent dating @tomcballard and if i wasnt horifically ugly, id make out with u. But u are and i am, so, fail.

From @rashidaZakiya: #thoushallnot try to lick thy elbow while in public on a first date.EMBARRASING!! #fail

From @djtinat: Dinner date tonight = #fail. I hope my back patting hug was enough to give him the hint.

From @harmonymist: i just went on a first date that was perfectly fine, but no spark. I made out with him and felt nothing…absolutely nothing. #fail

That’s So Hot. (A List of What is and What isn’t Sexy)

December 18, 2009 at 8:19 am | Posted in Dating Stories, Dating Tips | 2 Comments
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Simone Grant is writer from NYC.  She blogs daily at Sex, Lies and Dating in the City.

So I was out last night at a little tweetup, having fun, when all of a sudden it hit me – wow, our group was made up of a lot of pretty damn sexy individuals.  Now I’m not saying this just to fluff a bunch of egos.  Not at all.  It’s just what I was thinking at the time.  That a heck of a lot of the assembled folks (men and women, and btw, men were in the majority) were sexy.  At least, in my eyes.

So once my brain went there, it went to the next most logical place.  Why did I think that?  What is sexy, after all?  And is it the same for men and women?  Hmm.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that some of these things apply to what guys find sexy, but not all.  And that the average guy’s list would have a bit more emphasis on visuals.

Anyway, here’s my list.  My That’s So Hot list.  It’s really just a tip of the iceberg.  What came to mind today.  No where near comprehensive.  For what it’s worth:

  1. A big, easy-going, natural smile. – A natural (not cheesy, salesman-like) smile tells me a guy is probably friendly and happy and maybe even well-adjusted.  Or at the very least pleasantly drunk and in a good mood.  If I walk in to a room full of virtual strangers, I’m going to look for a smiling guy, walk right up to him and start talking.  Sourpusses, scowlers and men who have perfected the bad boy glare can all go stand in the corner by themselves and look cool.
  2. Taking care of yourself/not being horribly out of shape – Last night’s group ranged from mid twenties to early fifties, with a healthy chunk of us wedged dead in the middle.  None of the men present looked like they spent too much time in the gym, but they all looked they were aware of time’s passing and worked to stay in shape. For the record, I think a 40 yr old guy with a busy life and a little extra padding is hotter than one who gets up at 4am every morning to go to the gym so that he never gains a pound.
  3. Smart as hell with lots of interesting things on the top of your tongue –  I was trying to circulate last night, and while I did I overheard so many different, interesting conversations.  I kind of wanted to stop and join all of them.  And, btw, no one was namedropping, gossiping or talking about the latest tabloid scandal.  That shit is so not hot.
  4. Chutzpah – (Sorry, I’m in a very NYC state of mind today) – I could have said confidence, sure.  But it’s more than that.  Balls. Cojones. Audacity.  No, I mean chutzpah.  In a good way.  This is very different than arrogant, but please don’t ask me to explain it to you.
  5. Kindness – You might think this goes with the smile, but it’s more than that.  Like most gatherings, people arrived over the course of several hours.  At one point in the evening, our little corner of the bar was packed and every seat was taken.  Three different men were hopping up and offereing to go fetch additional seats because there was a a woman who was standing in a bending/awkward position to join a group that was talking.  None of them knew her and none of them were a part of that conversation.  AND, none of them wanted anything from it (hit on her afterwards).  They’re all just really kind, decent men who didn’t want to see anyone uncomfortable, even for a moment.  SO HOT!

So, ladies, what did I miss? If you were writing this list, what would be on it? And guys, what about you? What would be on your “So Hot” short list?

It could have been worse: The Guaranteed Miss

December 9, 2009 at 7:00 am | Posted in Dating Stories | 1 Comment
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Single City Guy is a dating blogger who lives in New York City (Brooklyn to be exact.) He shares his dating stories, experiences, advice and the male prospective of dating thru his blog at singlecityguy.com Single City Guy will frequently post his dating stories (the good, the bad and the ugly) on the Thread Blog. This story was originally posted here.

2593647131_4ed5b1f03b.jpg

There’s a general rule to dating: if a person looks at you more than twice, they’re interested. For a period of time, my dating failures made me timid when approaching women at bars or clubs. Even if they were giving me clear signs they were interested. I began to think of approaching women as predestined failed attempts instead of potential dates. One night, while out with friends, my reluctance ran into someone who was very interested. Let’s call her Hot and Direct.

Hot and Direct kept glancing at me throughout the evening, she was with her group of friends, I was with mine. She made it clear she was interested. My friends noticed her interest and began to goad me in approaching her. I was paralyzed with fear. Quickly, my friends began to add some peer-pressure and gave me an ultimatum, either I introduce myself or they would do it for me. This situation was turning into a bad episode of 90210. With enough peer-pressure and liquid courage, I approached Hot and Direct, breaking every “pickup” rule I’ve learned. I introduced myself, name first, and began to stumble while talking to her. The fact that she was interested, even with my stumbling, was a good sign. I’m sure for many guys, this would be a guaranteed success. There wouldn’t be any possible way I could mess this up. This was one of those nights I would find new ways to turn opportunities into missed opportunities.

The first mistake I made was answering her questions with questions. When asked how old I was, I responded with “Well how old do you think I am?” I was trying to be playful, mysterious. I quickly found out this girl wasn’t in the mood to play those games, especially ones I’ve finished reading from a certain book. I was able to redeem myself, first by apologizing and second by buying her a drink. This bought time to prove myself. The next few moments went extremely well, she was very direct with some of her questions: Was I straight? Was I single? If I’m “big”? I can handle woman whose very direct, if anything I prefer it. It felt comfortable answering each question honestly and directly without worrying about not being myself. I was comfortable.

I’m a very honest person and tend to be very blunt and direct. The rapid-fire questions Hot and Direct was shooting at me were  easily answered and placed her more at ease. The situation was beginning to turn into my favor. Hot and Direct pointed another woman in the room and said “She’s really beautiful! What do you think?” The woman was very attractive and I answered, “She’s really cute!”

Have you ever seen the expression of a golfer when he misses a putt two feet away from the hole? The expression of a wide receiver who drops a football when he’s wide open? A basketball player who misses a dunk? That expression was plastered all over my face. One of the most important rules about courtship is to not acknowledge other girls. When asked about another girl in the room, IGNORE them. This is a trap! One I had fallen into.

Needless to say it went downhill from there. I tried to recover what ever momentum I had lost, but it wasn’t going to happen. The only things Hot and Direct that night would be the “movies” I would be watching later.

(Image Credit: OGA from Flickr)

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