The End of Rinse and Repeat Dating

January 22, 2010 at 1:25 pm | Posted in Dating Tips, Relationships | Leave a comment
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Tristan Coopersmith is the author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course– a single girl’s guide to falling in like, falling in love and falling into bed. Check out her book in retailers nationwide, online and on her site: For musings on dating, follow her on twitter: @tristan_coop.

Most of us are creatures of habit. We go to the grocery store and shop the same aisles, filling up our carts with replacement items, because they are our can’t-live-withouts. We drive the same way to work because it is the most efficient. We brunch with the same group of girliefriends on Sundays to dish about life and love because they are our most adored confidantes. When it comes to men, often we date the same “types” over and over even when they aren’tgood for us. Why is that? We wouldn’t keep buying food at the grocery store that wasn’t yummy or drive a traffic-ridden route to work if there was a faster alternative or spend hungover Sundays with ladies we didn’t like, so why torture ourselves with men who are so clearly wrong for us?!

Dr. Phil’s analysis aside (meaning childhood trauma, self-destructive behavior, etc), one reason women gravitate repeatedly towards the same type of man who is clearly not a fit for them, is that what we seek in others or in a relationship is actually what we seek to have in ourselves. For example:

THE ARTIST: Ladies love artists because they are sensual, talented and admirable. But many women are also attracted to artists because they are looking to fulfill their own artist within. If this is you, try taking an art class or just pick up a sketchbook and let your hand wander. See if once you begin to satisfy your own inner art needs, the desire to be with the sexy but oftentimes selfish artist, doesn’t subside.

THE EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED GUY: Women attracted to wounded men are natural caretakers. They gravitate towards emotionally spent men because they feel needed and nothing says security in a relationship more than being needed… even if the price to pay is her own emotional well-being. If this is you, try volunteering. Reach out to those who really could benefit from your help – the elderly, under-resourced teens, sick children. After spending time healing the truly needy, see if your desire to be with a man who is likely just sucking the good out of you and not injecting you with much in return doesn’t wane.

The list could go on and on… the workaholic, the financially challenged guy, the sugar daddy, the mama’s boy, the juvenile. All male archetypes that women oftentimes find themselves repeatedly dating, and ultimately frustrated by. If this is you, the next time you find yourself in a rinse and repeat cycle with the wrong type of guy, look within to see how the relationship might be compensating for something you need and like the old song goes, “Wash that man right outta your hair (and your life).” Instead of expending your energy trying to get what you need from him, spend it on making yourself a more fabulous version of you – it’s a longer term and much healthier investment.

xx, Tristan


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