Hot Topic: He’s got the digits — when should a guy call?

December 30, 2009 at 8:30 am | Posted in Dating Stories, Dating Tips | 2 Comments
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If you ask a question about dating on Vark, you never know who in your network is going to answer it, but for 460 people out there, it could get answered by me.

This being a slow news week, I got to chatting with Single City Guy about one of my recent questions from a 22-year old in Seattle:

I got a really cute girl’s number while out ballroom dancing friday night, and I don’t want to screw this up. Does it matter if I call or text her, and is waiting three days really important? Anything else I should do to make sure this works out well?

My answer:

If you have something important to say, don’t send it in a text message. Ever. That applies to work, btw. There’s too much opportunity for misinterpretatio, for it to be perceived in the wrong way, or to get lost in the shuffle. Texting is great for sending one way information that doesn’t require a response, but it sucks when it comes to asking a girl out. It sends a message that you don’t take her serious or are too chicken to call. The whole waiting two or three days to call is so 90s and douchey. And if you’re really interested, why would you risk the chance of her meeting someone new while you’re trying to cool your heels to appear not desperate? You should call and ask to see her again. Pronto.

I thought it was pretty slick advice, but that’s just me. Although I didn’t get to share the question and answer with Single City Guy, he had his own opinion on the subject. Here’s the text –typos and all — from our iChat debate:



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  1. I think both of your opinions are valid. While it’s generally a better idea to call than text, I think it really depends on the people. San Francisco, especially, is a culture of texting. It doesn’t mean texters are worse off at communicating or being people, it only means they prefer a different platform to express their ideas. In many ways, it’s less invasive, more concise, and allows the receiver to process the info and reply on their own time. It’s generally best to do both. Like Facebook and Twitter, they are different platforms best suited for different forms of communication.

    The rules we make for dating are generally shaped by our own personal experiences and those of our friends. In reading the chat above, it’s somewhat visible to see what you both value in a relationship. As long as we don’t think of them as hard rules for dating, but rather guidelines for dating similar people, we are okay. After all, I can only give dating advice from my perspective, and not one from the likes of a collared douche or a bike hipster.

  2. ok, so i’ve had this discussion with many a friend. mostly after i was certain a boy was interested and definitely going to call. and didn’t.
    here are my thoughts summed up. calling too soon is a bit much. it comes off as desperate, or interested only in the physical, or clingly or whatever else single city guy said. agreed.
    honestly, i think three days is a completely normal amount of time.
    because here’s the thing- if we throw out every normal routine we have in life to make a call or have a date with someone new, we are then setting an expectation. the expectation that we will always call within a day. or that we will always have a date planned days in advance. or that we won’t be busy with life. or work. or friends.
    because i don’t know about either of you, but when i meet someone that i’ve decided i’d like to go out with, it DOESN’T mean that i’ve decided that they are the love of my life, or that i want that person involved in previously made plans. and we are busy people, and have plans that we can’t just drop because we met someone new. because the plans that we have are with people we DO know we want in our life. and there is a fine line between getting to know someone new and keeping current commitments and relationships healthy.

    also, ‘taking it slow’ is not a phrase that was thrown out there because it doesn’t work. it’s ok to wait a few days to call, and then schedule a date a few days later. it gives both parties time to get excited, and take care of their normal lives and so on.
    hell, even waiting a few weeks to call (granted there were circumstances) is fine. i mean, the bottom line is still ‘i’m interested’ isn’t it?

    the one thing to really do is call when it works for you. make sure you have time to devote to the call, and keep whatever commitments you make.

    i’d much rather a guy take my number and call me 4 days later than call me the next day just for the sake of calling, and flake on actual plans.

    and texting. sheesh. i live in SF, fall victim to using it in dating, am addicted, and STILL have issues with it when it comes to relationships.
    i think the rule is- texting only happens after you have had a least a phone conversation, and does not replace phone calls. oh, and plans cannot be made via text.

    take it for what it’s all worth…


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